Lord,
I’ve decided to let this thing go. This thing of anger, frustration, hatred…this
thing that makes me want to curse your name.
I’m sorry that I ever did. You
don’t deserve my anger or my hatred. I
am just still sad. I know you are,
too. For some reason, I can’t help but
think that you saved our lives through this.
I am not sure how, yet, but I know you will let me in on it when I get
there.
I’m thankful you decided to let us know we were ready. I’m sad that you decided to keep them. I imagine you thought they needed to stay
with you for whatever reason. And to that reason, I say ok. Through this I have learned just how
powerless I am. I have always known you
were powerful, you who created everything, but I wanted to control that power. And
I can’t.
I can’t control you.
I can’t just make you do what I want because I am a selfish sinner. I guess the beauty of that is that even with
your power, you choose not to control me.
You allow me to feel the way that I do because you’re trying to build
strength. I guess the way that a father
instills strength in his son. I guess
you can’t go through an easy life and come out stronger.
Let me ease back into this.
But please understand that I still have my guard up. I imagine just like a father you’re willing
to sit on the edge of the bed, quiet, listening to the sobs of his son. That’s what I need. Father, you don’t need my forgiveness, and a long
time ago through your son, you forgave me.
Your child died to give me life…I can’t imagine what that must have felt
like. I’m sorry and thank you.
Amen.
