Church

Never thought I'd be this old fashioned at 25.

This morning, I went to a church that is non-denominational. Non-denominational, no big deal. I've been to a few. I don't really get into one denomination over the other. But I know what I am not in to in a church.

The New Age Non-denominational Church. What does this consist of?

Well, this is a faux conversation with a New Age Non-Denominational Church Guy.

Me: So, what is your non-denom church like?

NANDCG: Well, it's awesome!

Me: I bet it is, but like what are y'all about?

NAMDCG: Do you like connection cards? With clicking pocket pens attached?

Me: I mean, I guess?

NAMDCG: Awesome! Then you're going love our church!

Me: What? What else are you guys about? Do you guys talk about Jesus?

NAMDCG: Depends.

Me: On what?

NAMDCG: On what sermon we bought for the week.

Me: Really?!

NAMDCG: I know, right?! Awesome?! Or what?! Dude, do you enjoy fog machines?!

Me: No?

NAMDCG: Great! Then you are going to love worship! We have this band with an edgy worship leader in skinny jeans, messy hair, and a Hebrew tattoo that you kind of have to look for. And if you like singing songs you've never heard before, then you'll love the worship.

Me: Are you listening to me? I said no, that doesn't appeal to me.

NAMDCG: Yeah, yeah, right?! And then when we get big enough, we are going to build another church...and then another. But we are totally going to have just one pastor and he'll be patched in.

Me: Who is the pastor?

NAMDCG: Well, it could either be dragon button up shirt guy or hipster glasses guy.

Me: Ok.

NAMDCG: When you come, we'll make sure someone with a lanyard greets you with a handshake in the right hand and the new iPhone in the left.

Me: What does that matter?!

NAMDCG: Because dude everyone needs to serve. Here, pick what you want to do this Sunday.

Me: This is stupid.

Non-denomination is the new denomination.

I hate to sound cynical, but really? Fog machines, light shows, videos about nothing, short sleeve button downs, lanyards, connection cards, clicking pens, church branded apparel, Hebrew tattoos, (fill in the blank name of church) kidz, and bought sermons?

I just want a church that has a pastor who is quick to listen, and slow to speak. A musician that plays music solely out of his reverence for The Lord.

I don't want an Awesome church. I want a church that cares for one another because they love The Lord. And the church loves the community because they were first loved. Why is this so hard to find?

Please help Lord. I don't know what I'm to do about this. I don't want to be cynical. I know there is good in churches like that, but it just feels like a Wal-mart for religion. Get everything here for cheap.

Amen.

Prayer 9.12.12

Lord,

I’ve decided to let this thing go.  This thing of anger, frustration, hatred…this thing that makes me want to curse your name.  I’m sorry that I ever did.  You don’t deserve my anger or my hatred.  I am just still sad.  I know you are, too.  For some reason, I can’t help but think that you saved our lives through this.  I am not sure how, yet, but I know you will let me in on it when I get there.

I’m thankful you decided to let us know we were ready.  I’m sad that you decided to keep them.  I imagine you thought they needed to stay with you for whatever reason. And to that reason, I say ok.  Through this I have learned just how powerless I am.  I have always known you were powerful, you who created everything, but I wanted to control that power. And I can’t.

I can’t control you.  I can’t just make you do what I want because I am a selfish sinner.  I guess the beauty of that is that even with your power, you choose not to control me.  You allow me to feel the way that I do because you’re trying to build strength.  I guess the way that a father instills strength in his son.  I guess you can’t go through an easy life and come out stronger.

Let me ease back into this.  But please understand that I still have my guard up.  I imagine just like a father you’re willing to sit on the edge of the bed, quiet, listening to the sobs of his son.  That’s what I need.  Father, you don’t need my forgiveness, and a long time ago through your son, you forgave me.  Your child died to give me life…I can’t imagine what that must have felt like. I’m sorry and thank you.

Amen.

Fatherhood

I realize that not all of it is your fault. You shouldn't have been born and raised the way that you were. Your dad did and said some pretty awful things when you were a kid. Stuff that no kid should ever see or hear.

When you got older you started doing and saying the same things yourself. You chose not to hear the guiding voice that you heard when you were his son. You became deaf to the only Loving Voice that would hear you when you wept as a child.

You chose to be apart of your first son's life. You chose to be a father when someone else chose not to be. You loved a son from what little love you had received from your father. You punished him for fear that he one day may turn into who you are. You also punished his mother for not giving the love you desperately longed for.

When the next two children came, the love you longed for didn't come with them. So, you punished them. But not in the same way. You just disappeared. You were found by a lord. One that sold love in exchange for your money. Your desire for love consumed you.

You no longer have your wife. You no longer have your children. You still don't have the Love that will sustain you.
Your father died without ever affirming you.

I'm sorry this happened to you.
I'm sorry that you don't have anything to cling to.
I'm sorry that I do.
I'm sorry that you got angry at your family because no one showed you how to be different.
I'm sorry you can't hear that Voice anymore.
I'm sorry that I can.
I'm sorry that you felt so much pressure from everyone to meet their needs.
I'm sorry that you your father died.
I'm sorry that you died with him.
I'm sorry that your still angry.

I'm sorry that I'm still angry.
I'm sorry I never told you that you were enough.
I'm sorry that I almost killed you when I protected mom.
I'm sorry you're still looking for Love and that you think it will come from a woman.

I want you to know that I love you.
I want you to know that you don't have to worry about me being the same person you are.
I want you to know that who your father was isn't who Our Father is.
I want you to know that He's the Great Love you have been looking for.
I want you to know that despite everything, I want you as my dad.

I know 23 years ago you chose me, and 23 years from then I choose you.
The Lord chose you, too, long before you were who you are now. And He still chooses you.

I am going to be different when it's my turn. It's not because of anything you've done to me, it's because of what He has done to me. And because He forgave me, I forgive you.

Forgive me.

Fulfilling

I find myself often talking about how unfulfilled I feel with my job.  I don’t feel as though I am serving a purpose.  I am just a cog spinning into oblivion with no real meaning.  I also hear others talking about how unfulfilled they feel with their jobs, or their friendships, or their relationships with their significant other, or their families, or just with life in general.

I realized something last night while talking with my wife over dinner.  We were eating chicken and waffles at Café 4.  It was delicious.  Anyhow, we were talking about how unfulfilled we feel in our career paths.  I listened to her talk about how she had worked so hard through college to become a teacher and yet she is still not fulfilled.  I mean she is absolutely made for her job!  She is intelligent, great with kids, kind, and she loves teaching (I don’t want to confuse this with fulfilling, though), and, yet no fulfillment!  I, on the other hand, took quite the opposite approach.  I didn’t work that hard in college and I still feel unfulfilled.  I’m not really sure if I even fit the job description, unlike my wife, so if the scenarios are flipped, shouldn’t the feeling be different?

Even in friendships.  I don’t struggle with this that much, but I am not 100% satisfied or fulfilled with the friendships and relationships I have built.  I am certainly not fulfilled by family.  I long for more in my life, so, I guess, life isn’t that fulfilling?  After all these thoughts were through processing, in the midst of our conversation, I had a realization. 

There’s no fulfillment apart from Jesus.

There is this foundation wall underneath my house that is cracked from end to end.  It’s an old house, built in 1930, and apparently this wall is not the first one that has cracked.  From what I understand, there was another wall in front of it that had done the same thing as result of years of rain pushing dirt up against it.  Instead of just fixing the problem, they just built another wall, hoping it would stand longer.  The reason that these walls continue to buckle is because there is no foundation poured underneath them!  They just laid the cinderblocks down on the basement floor and started building.  Eventually, we will have to fix this problem correctly before the whole house comes down.

Without Jesus there is no foundation.  Without a foundation, nothing that is built will stand on its own for forever.   Without Jesus in any of those things that we look for fulfillment in, we will most undoubtedly not find it.  That is why we hit the ground running so hard on most the things we do in our lives, jobs, relationships, life, etc. and a short time later we feel unsatisfied, sad, tired, angry, desperate…unfulfilled.  We weren’t meant to live this life apart from God.

When we are finally able to see things from a much a grander, merely divine, perspective we see that it isn’t about serving a purpose, but about serving Jesus.  Serving Him through how we serve others in our jobs, marriages, friendships, families…our lives.  Fulfilled because we are a blessed cog serving a divine purpose. 

Lord, 

Help me to believe this for myself.

Amen.

Sheepish

You know what saying bugs me that Christians have recently picked up? "Ya gotta let go...and let God."

What the hell...could you be more nelly?

Don't give me that. You try letting go, and letting God.

It's a shame that we have come up with that incredibly corny saying. Shouldn't it be easier to let go and allow the Lord to do what we are incapable of doing? You would think by now, that as followers of Christ, that we would be instinctively following without hesitation, allowing the Lord to lead us through the uncomfortable places in our lives.

Instead we are resistant. Trust becomes an issue. We get scared and run for the hills. And yet, here He comes running after us, a Shepard after His sheep.

That damned sheep. The one that historically runs off from Him. Still, it doesn't matter. It's His. And He'll pick the sheep up, and carry it back to the other damn sheep, til it finally realizes just how safe it is with His Shepard. Even in unfamiliar environments.

This is what I am. A damned sheep. One that is doomed to run off from his Shepard. A sheep that will inevitably be carried back to the place where I don't want to be. A sheep that refuses to let Him lead me through uncomfortable places.

Lord,

Here is where I find comfort, draped over your shoulders. Your hands hold my feet and legs, so that I can't fight you anymore. I'm sorry that I was. I'll walk with you. I'll let you lead for now...and, in case I don't, you know where to find me.

Love.

Amen.

Wrestlin

When I read the story of how Jacob wrestled with God and had his hip broken, I easily see myself doing the same.

Me: Look here, Lord, you're gonna give me what I want!

Him: No! You don't know what you're asking! It's not time!

Me: I want it now or else we're gonna be here all night!

(He touches my hip and "Crack!")

Me: Shitttttttt!

So now, here I am, broken. Broken because that's where He wants me. The place of reckoning. A place where I can do nothing, but hear undesirable necessary words.

This voice guides me out of the brokenness, the mess I have made of myself. It desperately wants to heal the brokenness. And I desperately need the healing.

I am in awe of how He continually puts up with my mess. Even when I lie and say I'll never do it again.

Lord,

Don't give up on me. That's a ridiculous statement. You haven't. You know me better than anyone, and you still haven't.

Allow me to see the things that need reckoning. Allow yourself to heal those things. Break them from me first if they are enabling me to selfishly wrestle with you.

Thanks for not literally breaking my hip. That would suck.

Love.

Amen.

Prayer

Lord,

I am unworthy.  I sin against you on the regular.  Your will is not mine.  Your will is more than I can bear.  I want so little and, yet, You long for me to have more.  Allow me to taste the goodness you have in store. 

You have given me so much.  I give nothing back.  Give me joy.  And I will fail you again.  You knew it all along and you still gave it.  I’m grateful for your grace.  You are my Hope.

Amen.

Need

I'm trying to reflect right now by writing.  Hopefully, I can somewhat reflect about what I've read and how I feel right now.

Certainly, I am unsure of what to write at this very moment.  I am also unsure of how I am supposed to lead this small group that I am in with a bunch of people from church.  Somehow I have tricked them into coming back week after week.  They think they are coming to hear about the Lord.  That's not true.  They are coming to hear a sinner talk about his Lord.  About how he loves Him so much.  And yet I fail show it in who I am.

I am supposed to be different by now!  I have been following Him for a while now! Why am I unchanged!  I long to be changed, Lord!

Allow me to change you.

Lord,

I need you. I need you. I need you. I need you.

Amen.

My beloved,

You're accepted.  Accepted.  Accepted. Accepted.

Some Change

Peter Needs Change From Jesus

Peter: Hey Jesus...

Jesus: Yes, Simon, brother of Andrew?

Peter: You changed my name to Peter, remember? Do you have change for a $20?

Jesus: Of course I remember, Peter. The Son of Man is not one of a forgetful spirit, but of an omniscient one.

Peter: What? Do you have change for a $20 or what?

Jesus: My son, I tell you the Truth, unless you walk by me, you will not see change in what you seek.

Peter: Seriously, Jesus. I need to buy this donkey. It's the only way You can get into Jerusalem.

Jesus: Simon, brother of--

Peter: Peter!

Jesus: I'm Jesus...

Peter: My Lord!

Jesus: Yes?

Peter: Can I just get a straight answer out of you?! For once!

Jesus: My son, for your sake, the path that I walk has been made straight for for you, you who seek the change you desire.

Peter: I just need to break a $20.

Jesus: The seed does not grow unless it has been broken, and so the Son of Man will be.

Peter: What does that even mean?! You can't always talk to me in parables! Just say yes or say no!

Jesus: Ok. There once was a man looking to buy his way into town when he--

Peter: This better answer the question.

Jesus: As I was saying, Simon--

Peter: Peter!

Jesus: I'm Jesus...

Peter: Grrrr

(John walks up)

John: What up G! Hello, Peter...

Jesus: Johnny Boy!

John: Say, Jesus...

Jesus: Yes my son?

John: You got change for a $20?

(Peter condescendingly looks at John as to answer for Jesus)

Jesus: You know I got change! Two 5s and a 10 alright?

Peter: What the Pharisee?!

John: That works!

Peter: You have got to be kidding me.

(Jesus and John exchange money and high-fives as Peter looks on in disgust)

Jesus: You see, Peter, you may not receive your answer in the way you anticipate it...but you will get your answer. I did have change for a $20.

Peter: I--I just don't understand what is expected of me anymore...I need a drink. Can I see that cup?

Jesus: You can not drink from the same cup as me.

Peter: You're doing it again! I don't know if you're literally talking about this cup right here, in your hand! Or if you're talking about a figurative cup of life or death or whatever the Sheol you're talking about!

Jesus: Peter...

Peter: What!

Jesus: You've seen me do miracle after miracle...

Peter: Yeah?! What's your point?!

Jesus: You've seen me turn the blind into men of sight, you've seen me turn the lame into upright men...

Peter: Carry on!

Jesus: Water into wine...

Peter: Ok! Get on with it!

Jesus: Surely...I can turn a $20 into change. O' ye of little faith.

Peter: Sorry, Jesus, I was in denial.

Jesus: This won't be the last time.

Peter: What??

That's as far as this story goes.

However, you could pick back up at John 13:36

Problem Solver

^“3-4 I set plainspoken wisdom before you,
      my heart-seasoned understandings of life.
   I fine-tuned my ear to the sayings of the wise,
      I solve life's riddle with the help of a harp.” – Psalm 49:3-4

Really, anything I hear can affect me.

It’s time I hear the Lord. Allow Him to affect my life.  Turn a deaf ear to all of the things that are irrelevant, the negative messages, the positive ones, the hurtful shouts, and the joyful praises.  It’s about what He has to say to me.

Here’s a song that I really enjoy…the lyrics make me happy.  Solve some problems with some good music.

That was biblical.

Slumber by Needtobreathe    

       
Days they force you     
Back under those covers
Lazy mornings they multiply
But glory's waiting
Outside your window
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes

Tongues are violent
Personal and focused
Tough to beat with
Your steady mind
But hearts are stronger after broken
So wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes

All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes

Take from vandals
All you want now
But please don't trade it in for life
Replace the feeble
With the fable
Wake on up from your slumber
And open up your eyes

All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes

Sing like we used to
Dance when you want to
Taste of the breakthrough
And open wide

All these victims
Stand in line for
The crumbs that fall from the table
Just enough to get by
All the while
Your invitation
Wake on up from your slumber
Come on open up your eyes

Sing like we used to
And dance like you want to
Open up your eyes

_underscore_

This morning I had this crazy, revolutionary, epiphany when my alarm went off …“What if I actually got up and engaged the day when I am stirred?  What if I encountered people if the opportunity presented itself?  What if I actually listened to my wife, the first time around?”  And perhaps the craziest thought, “What if I actually listened to the Lord when He spoke?”

With these thoughts running wild through my head, I simply pressed snooze and went back to sleep for another 40 minutes.

Now, I can’t help but think about how different my life would be just by getting out of bed when I hear the call.  Even more, I get a little emotional and somewhat anxious when I think about how differently things would be if I just listened to what Jesus had to say to me.

Right now, I’m thinking about how much different Jesus was from me just from His little time on earth.  The mornings He spent praying, the days He spent engaging folks, the nights He spent around a table with His closest friends, and the life He lived of purely listening.

This is clearly “it.”

Lord,

Let the noises of this world be an underscore to the words you want me to hear.

Amen.

in The Way

“Peter, get out of my way! Satan, get lost! You have no idea how God works.”

 – Jesus, Mark 8:31-38 MSG

Sometimes, I feel like I get in the way of the Lord.  Like the way Peter got in the way of Him.  He has this magnificent plan for me, and yet I would rather step in and tell Him how I see it.  It’s a shame.  I am constantly reminded how short-sighted I am.  I am certain Peter felt this way when he was with Jesus.  Peter always says what is on his mind.  Jesus rebuking him for his thoughtless views.

Its funny.  As dumb as I think Peter is sometimes, I am often Peter.  I say things with without much insight into what I am actually professing.  I do things that are often detrimental to the Living Word inside of me.  And God! He has nothing but compassion and love for me.  Certainly, chastisement is due.  But the Lord Jesus saw it coming.  He stepped in front of me to take on the wrath of a hurt Father.  

Thankfully, He didn’t mind to get in my way.

Amen.