10.27.15

Humility

Couldn't tell you what it is about the humility of Jesus that makes me emotional. Emotional in the tearful sense. Emotional in the elation I feel. I long to be the humble servant. I refuse to wear the rags. To clean the dirt off the feet of a selfless Servant-Savior. Why do I feel that such humility is beneath me and yet long for that wholeness. I must become less so that he becomes more. Help me God. Save me from being a shell. Make me whole. Cleanse my heart for humility's sake, for Christ's sake. I love you, Lord. Amen. 

You

I've decided that the more I try to learn about you, I less I truly know who you are. It's such a shame I've boxed you in all my life. 

You love the stranger just as much you do me and I can't understand it. Why is it you love the son who left us, took you for granted, and is now back at your feet asking for forgiveness. He doesn't deserve it. I don't deserve this. 

Why is it so hard for me to give up my idea of who you should be? Are you not my father? Don't you love me more that how i feel right now?

Oh but I do...I am. Do you not know that I love the stranger and the brother the way that I do, so that you may also love in the same way?

Am I not with you always? Do I not love you more than rest, and the rest more than the least, and the least more than the most? Don't be ashamed for how you feel. It's not your place to shed grace on your inequities. A rose can't make others bleed without first being planted and it can't save itself from having its thorn removed. 

You are my heralded child. I hold you dearly. I know you. Without transgression there cannot be grace. Have grace for others knowing that.

Hold tightly to what you don't know, and loosely to the things you think. 

I am good. I am yours. You are mine. 

Father's Day

It's Father's Day 2014. This is the first year that I get to celebrate it with a born child. I'm so grateful. 

Father's Day...it never meant so much to me until now. Not because it's a time where I get celebrated & recognized for being a Daddy. Having our daughter and another one on the way, a boy, is the reason this day should be celebrated. 

To Ellee: I pray you never stop enjoying the day. You are my greatest achievement. You are my favorite. You have brought me so much life to my soul because of your sweet nature. May you continue to grow, laugh, and love. You carry the essense & innonence of your mother. I'd like to think you're as jolly as your daddy. I love you my sweet little girl. 

To Myles: I was scared at the thought of having a boy. I didn't know how to teach someone else how to be a man. I used to to think being a man was contingent on the manly stuff you could do or not do. But I was wrong. You're born a man. It's not like I can teach you how to be my son. You are going to be born as my son. The other stuff comes with life. I'm excited to walk through your life with you. I believe you'll show me more of what being a man is about than I will you. You are my greatest achievement. You are my favorite. I love you my boy. 

27

I'm 27 now. 

I'm having a hard time writing bc my thumb is bandaged from a damn razor that is an Iscariot type. 

I'm so poor right now. Perhaps the most poor I'll ever be. Financially. 

I've got a beautiful pregnant wife. I've got a lovely sick daughter. And yet I feel rich beyond measure. 

God, have mercy on my soul.  I'm a sinful man. You love me despite my imperfection. You claim to love because of my imperfections. 

I believe you. 

Keep me O' Lord. 

Show me how I can show you. 

Amen.

New Year

I'm a dad now.

I haven't written in quite some time. I imagine that's how most blogs start out nowadays. I believe writing and spending quality time with The Lord is a direct correlation for me. Except for now. I'm writing and yet I've spent hardly any time with him this year. 

I've got a lot to be thankful for. A wonderful, supportive wife. A beautiful healthy baby girl. A great stable job (unless I'm terrible at it). And great friends. 

I'm not sure why I started this entry. I think it's because of the Hoegarden. Gah I do love beer. 

I hope this next year is different for me. I hope I'm more reverent. I take advantage of love and grace that is offered to me daily. 

I'm a dad now. I think I can understand a little of what The Lord thinks when he looks at me. I often thank him for loving me....

If Ellee ever thanked me for loving her, I'd be somewhat befuddled. "Why would you thank me for that? I'm your dad...I love you dearly."

And then I think of the shame I feel when I realize I haven't spent much time with him, and I think "Thank you for loving me."

I'm a son, too...

Church

Never thought I'd be this old fashioned at 25.

This morning, I went to a church that is non-denominational. Non-denominational, no big deal. I've been to a few. I don't really get into one denomination over the other. But I know what I am not in to in a church.

The New Age Non-denominational Church. What does this consist of?

Well, this is a faux conversation with a New Age Non-Denominational Church Guy.

Me: So, what is your non-denom church like?

NANDCG: Well, it's awesome!

Me: I bet it is, but like what are y'all about?

NAMDCG: Do you like connection cards? With clicking pocket pens attached?

Me: I mean, I guess?

NAMDCG: Awesome! Then you're going love our church!

Me: What? What else are you guys about? Do you guys talk about Jesus?

NAMDCG: Depends.

Me: On what?

NAMDCG: On what sermon we bought for the week.

Me: Really?!

NAMDCG: I know, right?! Awesome?! Or what?! Dude, do you enjoy fog machines?!

Me: No?

NAMDCG: Great! Then you are going to love worship! We have this band with an edgy worship leader in skinny jeans, messy hair, and a Hebrew tattoo that you kind of have to look for. And if you like singing songs you've never heard before, then you'll love the worship.

Me: Are you listening to me? I said no, that doesn't appeal to me.

NAMDCG: Yeah, yeah, right?! And then when we get big enough, we are going to build another church...and then another. But we are totally going to have just one pastor and he'll be patched in.

Me: Who is the pastor?

NAMDCG: Well, it could either be dragon button up shirt guy or hipster glasses guy.

Me: Ok.

NAMDCG: When you come, we'll make sure someone with a lanyard greets you with a handshake in the right hand and the new iPhone in the left.

Me: What does that matter?!

NAMDCG: Because dude everyone needs to serve. Here, pick what you want to do this Sunday.

Me: This is stupid.

Non-denomination is the new denomination.

I hate to sound cynical, but really? Fog machines, light shows, videos about nothing, short sleeve button downs, lanyards, connection cards, clicking pens, church branded apparel, Hebrew tattoos, (fill in the blank name of church) kidz, and bought sermons?

I just want a church that has a pastor who is quick to listen, and slow to speak. A musician that plays music solely out of his reverence for The Lord.

I don't want an Awesome church. I want a church that cares for one another because they love The Lord. And the church loves the community because they were first loved. Why is this so hard to find?

Please help Lord. I don't know what I'm to do about this. I don't want to be cynical. I know there is good in churches like that, but it just feels like a Wal-mart for religion. Get everything here for cheap.

Amen.

Prayer 9.12.12

Lord,

I’ve decided to let this thing go.  This thing of anger, frustration, hatred…this thing that makes me want to curse your name.  I’m sorry that I ever did.  You don’t deserve my anger or my hatred.  I am just still sad.  I know you are, too.  For some reason, I can’t help but think that you saved our lives through this.  I am not sure how, yet, but I know you will let me in on it when I get there.

I’m thankful you decided to let us know we were ready.  I’m sad that you decided to keep them.  I imagine you thought they needed to stay with you for whatever reason. And to that reason, I say ok.  Through this I have learned just how powerless I am.  I have always known you were powerful, you who created everything, but I wanted to control that power. And I can’t.

I can’t control you.  I can’t just make you do what I want because I am a selfish sinner.  I guess the beauty of that is that even with your power, you choose not to control me.  You allow me to feel the way that I do because you’re trying to build strength.  I guess the way that a father instills strength in his son.  I guess you can’t go through an easy life and come out stronger.

Let me ease back into this.  But please understand that I still have my guard up.  I imagine just like a father you’re willing to sit on the edge of the bed, quiet, listening to the sobs of his son.  That’s what I need.  Father, you don’t need my forgiveness, and a long time ago through your son, you forgave me.  Your child died to give me life…I can’t imagine what that must have felt like. I’m sorry and thank you.

Amen.